new website

Daniel and I have bought a domain and started a website. We are transfering all our blogging to here:

Innocent Light

See you there.

Yeah, it's totally gross.....

I was hanging out at a friends house yesturday letting Basho play with their dog. They have 6 boys ranging from 2 - 11. #4 and I had quite the conversation.

So I walked out to the backyard where the dogs & boys were playing. 6 yr old Sean ran straight up to my belly and put both hands on it.

He lightly squeezed from both sides a few times......

Sean: "So there's really a baby in there"

Me: "Yeah. there's a little girl in there"

Sean: "huh" he then proceeds to squeeze a few more times as he examines my belly

Sean: "So.... How's it get'n out?"

Now I'm stuck in a conversation I really don't want to be in with a 6yr old. By now his 8yr old brother Max has joined the conversation as well. I flashed to the story I heard of when his 3 older brothers asked their mom the same question. So I repeated her answer.

Me: "Well, you know how you have a hole you poop from and a hole you pee from. Well, girls have a 3rd hole where the baby cames out."

Sean: ponders this new information for a moment. "Three holes huh?!?!"

older brother Max: "Yeah, it's totally gross"

Then they both ran off to play. Lets just hope he doesn't tell his friends at school about his anatomy lesson.

Oh another note, a few weeks ago when their 3yr old brother found out I had a baby in my belly his question was simple "Why? Did you eat it?!?"

I can't wait to hear the funny stuff Imogen comes up with.

Wiggle

My whole life I have heard women talk about what it is like to feel a baby moving inside you. Always described as the most amazing feeling. Well I’ve got to say, they are right, it is amazing. I’ve given Imogen the nickname wiggle because that’s what she does all day and night….wiggle. She’s moving all the time now, and yet still every time I feel her, I want to stop what I’m doing and enjoy every movement…every wiggle. Each movement is more exciting than the last.

But I’m running into a problem. I love feeling her move so much, that it distracts me from conversations I’m having. Last week I was meeting with a client that was having suicidal thoughts; I was assessing him for ideation and intent and while he was talking, Imogen starting wiggling. I’ll admit, I checked out of my conversation for a moment to enjoy my daughter’s wiggles. As I realized what I was doing, I quickly had to bring myself back to what was more important in that moment; this man’s mental & physical wellbeing. Although no one in the room knew, I felt bad.

Now that was an extreme example, but it is an everyday occurrence. It happens everywhere, when I’m talking to friend, sitting in church, sitting in a meeting; I check out when Imogen starts moving. No offense, her moving is just much more exciting than anything else I can think of on the planet. I’m an adventurous person and if you asked me if I wanted to skydive (which I love), or feel Imogen move a bunch, I’d probably opt for feeling my little moving and wiggling inside me.

I know here in a few weeks she will get big enough to lodge her feet in between my ribs or kick my spine, but until then, I’ll just keep enjoying my little wiggle.

Finals week - a bit of reflection

Well, I'm almost done with finals after my first semester of graduate school. Thankfully, I have not gotten that trademark finals head cold that has been my friend in the past. Last night, I was so blessed by a friend. Knowing that I have been holed up writing papers and taking tests, he came by with a 12 pack of Diet Coke, a nacho making kit, and candy. It made my day. I was really blessed by it. Now, if I could get rid of the tummy ache from combining nachos and Swedish fish in the middle of the night I'd be golden.

I've been trying to look back on my semester and see where I have grown. I am thankful to report that my money seems to have been well spent. I have learned so much about myself and my vocation that I can scarcely begin to elaborate. I think I will still be unpackaging what I've learned this semester years from now.

I would like to put out a general apology to the universe for one thing I have learned. I am a horrible listener. I flat out suck at conversations. I hope that you out there in the cosmos accept my apology and trust that I am working on changing there. A few weeks ago I journaled this about being a horrible conversationalist:

I have known for sometime that I have much to learn about conversations. My personal assessmentbrought out character defects that manifest themselves in conversation. Several of Dr. Redman's do's and don'ts hit home for me. Even though I try really hard not to, I often appear to be talking down to people. or to present myself as superior, or to be a know it all. I get excited and want to converse about everything and anything with anyone. I can be a bit overwhelming in that. I pick at things to understand them. People don't like being picked at; don't like having their logic questioned. It takes people time to get to know me, to understand that I see the world through questions, and that I show I care through conversation and question (among other things).

I interrupt too much, think about what I'm going to say before the other person finishes, and assume I know what someone else is going to say. I understand that I am weak in all these areas and am working on them.

I am trying to envision conversation like a dance. I must be in tune with my partner, moving with them as opposed to against them, with a common direction in mind. If I move too quickly, or too slowly, I will step on toes, fall out of rhythm, and lose sight of the beauty and purpose of the dance.

...or, to put it in terms of comic books, only villains monologue, and it's almost always their downfall.

“Though we cannot think alike, may we not love alike? May we not be of one heart, though we are not of one opinion? Without all doubt, we may. Herein all the children of God may unite, notwithstanding these smaller differences.” - John Wesley

Why wouldn't I cry

This Easter season I have been having trouble "feeling" the impact of why we celebrate. I missed our good Friday service because I felt so sick. For the last week I have been praying that the Lord would help me experience the reality of His death and resurrection. So this morning I was sitting in church and the band was rocking out. I was feeling very sick, but drug myself there anyways. I couldn't really sing...for fear of throwing up right there in the sanctuary. To my left there was a group of young girls dancing to the worship music. As the band continued playing I began to cry.

Now that's not saying much....

I'm a crier. it's true, I am. Now I know what your thinking; you're pregnant Regina, it's hormones. That would be a nice excuse, but it wouldn't account for the 30 years before I was pregnant.

I'm just a very sensitive person. My parents have told me many times that all they had to do to punish me when I was a little girl was look at me. That's all it took, I would melt down crying. I'm the kind that will "cry over spilled milk". My clients always joke about how I have a hard exterior but I'm really just a big softy.

As I became a teenager and young adult it started to drive me crazy. I hated how easy I would cry. One thing that really drove me nuts about my crying, was that I couldn't hardly pray without crying. It got to the point where I just stopped wanting to pray in public.

One day a few years ago I was praying asking the Lord to help me pray without crying. He answered my request with this:

"Regina, why wouldn't you cry when you're in my presence"

WOW. that's all I needed to hear. I began seeing my tears not as a weakness, but as a gift given to me to remind me that the Lord is with me.

Since I've been pregnant, I have been a bit extra weepy. I haven't once thought about what the Lord me those years ago.

As I sat in church this morning watching everyone worship, dance and praise the Lord, I was feeling like I was missing out on the celebration. As the ears began to roll down my face, He reminded of what he told me, but this in a way that would help me experience the celebration:

"Regina, I'm no longer dead, I have risen. You are in my presence."

I began to cry a little harder and thanked the Lord for allowing me to "feel" the reality of why I serve the Lord.

Operation Happily Ever After

In Genesis after the fall of Adam and Eve, God was handing out curses to them as a result of their sin. He looked at Eve and said:

"I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children" Genesis 3:16

I gotta say, God nailed this curse. Bravo, good one God.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant today. I still feel like I'm early in pregnancy, and yet I didn't realize how uncomfortable I would be at 21 weeks. With that in mind, it's a bit overwhelming to think that I still have 4 1/2 months to go. If sleep is this tough now, what will it be like next month, in 2 months...3.....yikes!! and the pain in my lower back!?!?!? I don't even want to think about that.

As uncomforable as I am, I'm having trouble having a good attitude. Everytime someone asks me how I'm feeling I want to describe it with obsenities, instead I just say "it blows". Today I'm been trying to change "it blows" to "she's growing" or something along those lines, you know that don't actually show my feelings at all.

I think the biggest issue with my, lets be real...constant complaining, is the way it's effecting Daniel. He's so wonderful, he doesn't say anything negative to me, but I can see in his face that he's running out of positive things to say to me.

He and I were talking last night and was saying that I really need anattitude change. I can think about Imogen and I get so excited, I feel her wiggle in my belly and I want to drop what I'm ding and just enjoy the moment. Then with everything else I have nothing positive to say or think.
I have tried to justify it in my mind "all these things have to happen to ensure that our little girl is safe and healthy" but that's really not helping.

When daniel and I were engaged we became very said at how negative people were to use about marriage. Few people built it up to us, we vowed to always encourge engaged couples with the joys of marriage. I've been thinking about that same concept in relation to pregnancy. What is the good I can focus on? I have a friend who is early on in her pregnancy, how can I have a positive attitude and outlook so as to encourage her rather give her a bad taste before she really gets going.

Now when it comes down to it, this is afterall a curse from God and I've heard enough fairtales to know that curses are not meant to be pleasant. But with every single fairytale I've ever heard, the curse eventually lifts and they live happily ever after.