“Though we cannot think alike, may we not love alike? May we not be of one heart, though we are not of one opinion? Without all doubt, we may. Herein all the children of God may unite, notwithstanding these smaller differences.” - John Wesley

Why wouldn't I cry

This Easter season I have been having trouble "feeling" the impact of why we celebrate. I missed our good Friday service because I felt so sick. For the last week I have been praying that the Lord would help me experience the reality of His death and resurrection. So this morning I was sitting in church and the band was rocking out. I was feeling very sick, but drug myself there anyways. I couldn't really sing...for fear of throwing up right there in the sanctuary. To my left there was a group of young girls dancing to the worship music. As the band continued playing I began to cry.

Now that's not saying much....

I'm a crier. it's true, I am. Now I know what your thinking; you're pregnant Regina, it's hormones. That would be a nice excuse, but it wouldn't account for the 30 years before I was pregnant.

I'm just a very sensitive person. My parents have told me many times that all they had to do to punish me when I was a little girl was look at me. That's all it took, I would melt down crying. I'm the kind that will "cry over spilled milk". My clients always joke about how I have a hard exterior but I'm really just a big softy.

As I became a teenager and young adult it started to drive me crazy. I hated how easy I would cry. One thing that really drove me nuts about my crying, was that I couldn't hardly pray without crying. It got to the point where I just stopped wanting to pray in public.

One day a few years ago I was praying asking the Lord to help me pray without crying. He answered my request with this:

"Regina, why wouldn't you cry when you're in my presence"

WOW. that's all I needed to hear. I began seeing my tears not as a weakness, but as a gift given to me to remind me that the Lord is with me.

Since I've been pregnant, I have been a bit extra weepy. I haven't once thought about what the Lord me those years ago.

As I sat in church this morning watching everyone worship, dance and praise the Lord, I was feeling like I was missing out on the celebration. As the ears began to roll down my face, He reminded of what he told me, but this in a way that would help me experience the celebration:

"Regina, I'm no longer dead, I have risen. You are in my presence."

I began to cry a little harder and thanked the Lord for allowing me to "feel" the reality of why I serve the Lord.

Operation Happily Ever After

In Genesis after the fall of Adam and Eve, God was handing out curses to them as a result of their sin. He looked at Eve and said:

"I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children" Genesis 3:16

I gotta say, God nailed this curse. Bravo, good one God.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant today. I still feel like I'm early in pregnancy, and yet I didn't realize how uncomfortable I would be at 21 weeks. With that in mind, it's a bit overwhelming to think that I still have 4 1/2 months to go. If sleep is this tough now, what will it be like next month, in 2 months...3.....yikes!! and the pain in my lower back!?!?!? I don't even want to think about that.

As uncomforable as I am, I'm having trouble having a good attitude. Everytime someone asks me how I'm feeling I want to describe it with obsenities, instead I just say "it blows". Today I'm been trying to change "it blows" to "she's growing" or something along those lines, you know that don't actually show my feelings at all.

I think the biggest issue with my, lets be real...constant complaining, is the way it's effecting Daniel. He's so wonderful, he doesn't say anything negative to me, but I can see in his face that he's running out of positive things to say to me.

He and I were talking last night and was saying that I really need anattitude change. I can think about Imogen and I get so excited, I feel her wiggle in my belly and I want to drop what I'm ding and just enjoy the moment. Then with everything else I have nothing positive to say or think.
I have tried to justify it in my mind "all these things have to happen to ensure that our little girl is safe and healthy" but that's really not helping.

When daniel and I were engaged we became very said at how negative people were to use about marriage. Few people built it up to us, we vowed to always encourge engaged couples with the joys of marriage. I've been thinking about that same concept in relation to pregnancy. What is the good I can focus on? I have a friend who is early on in her pregnancy, how can I have a positive attitude and outlook so as to encourage her rather give her a bad taste before she really gets going.

Now when it comes down to it, this is afterall a curse from God and I've heard enough fairtales to know that curses are not meant to be pleasant. But with every single fairytale I've ever heard, the curse eventually lifts and they live happily ever after.

Honored by many

I went to a memorial service yesterday. I'm not going to pretend it was a big loss for me, it really wasn't, but I strongly felt that I should attend the service. Doris lived a long life, she would have been 91 in June. She was married to her husband Bob for 58yrs.

Bob and Doris attended (bob still attends) a church I attended from '97 - ~'03. Doris and I were in a woman's group together for a short time. One of the unique things about Doris wasn't the fact that she had been blind from birth, but that that didn't stop her from living life. She traveled, she was an accomplished singer and choir director. She loved to read and had the ability to memorize things like none other.

Years ago she was asked by a pastor if she ever asked the Lord to heal her blindness and allow her to see. Her answer was "I never really thought to ask". That was Doris, she didn't see her lack of ability to see as a deficit in life, it was just her life. She was in 100% acceptance of who God created her to be.

So why was it that when I heard of her passing I felt so strongly that I should attend her service. I haven't talked to her since I began attending a different church. I thinks it's all in my first thought after hearing. A woman who lived a life like Doris did; a lifetime of dedication to the Lord and 58yrs of faithful service to her husband; deserved to be honored my many.

As I sat at her service I couldn't help but think about my life (memorial/funeral services are great for that). Doris lived a simple life, she never did anything the world would see as extraordinary, and yet I'm in awe at her life. I've traveled the world and done things some people would only dream of. My life story has even been published. And yet as I think about my life there are really only three things I would like to be remembered for: 1. My love and dedication to the Lord, 2. My love and dedication to my husband, and 3. My love and dedication to my daughter.

I don't care what else anyone remembers. And I hope one day, as a result of those three things, people see it fit that my love and dedication deserves to be honored, just as Doris' was honored.

I can only imagine

There is a song by the group Mercy Me called "I can only imagine". It starts:

I can only imagine

What it will be like

When I walk

By your side

I can only imagine

What my eyes will see

When your face

Is before me

I can only imagine...

With a baby on the I can't help but imagine what she will look like, what it will be like to walk down the street holding my little girl's hand. Now technically the above song lyrics are about meeting Jesus. As the song goes on that becomes evident. But every time I hear the start of the song, I think of Imogen and start to cry.

My mind begins to wander as I day dream about my little girl. What will she be like? Smart like her daddy? Thick headed like her mommy? Musical or Artistic? What will she want to be when she grows up? Will she be a demorcrat or a rebublican?

As I pray for her, I find myself praying for me more. Praying that I don't allow myself to create expectations of who she will be. That I allow her the freedom to figure out who she is and what she wants in life.

But now, as we still have 20weeks before we get to meet her face to face......I can only imagine.

An Auntie couldn’t ask for a better 31st birthday

Daniel’s cousin Angela and I went up to visit our 5 nieces and nephews this last weekend. It took us about 8 hrs to get there and it was worth every minute of the drive. The girls were still awake when we got there and they practically jumped me when I walked in the door. Madeline said “you came!!! And you brought baby Imogen!!!”

For the whole weekend Imogen was a hot topic of conversation. The girls continually told me how much they can’t wait for her to get here and how they will teach her to play princess’. Little Naomi (4) seemed to be the most excited. She asked me if they could Skype with Imogen “so they can play”. It just warmed my heart to see how excited the girls are for their cousin to arrive.

We had a fun filled 2 ½ days. Friday was my 31st birthday so we made a birthday cake and the girls decorated it for me. They used every kind of sprinkle they could find in the house, and they put 5 candles on the top to “make a tiara”. They put up some home made decorations and made me some cards. The only thing missing from my party was my wonderful Husband (who had to stay home to study).

Every time we visit I bring a craft of some sort to do with the girls, I also bring my “box ‘o stickers” aka stickers fro the target $1 bin. This trips craft was Easter egg decorating. So we boiled a bunch of eggs, dissolved the little colored tablets in water and decorated away. I’m pretty sure the girls fingers had more dye on them by the end than the eggs. But we sure had fun. 3 Easter egg hunts followed, we couldn’t convince the girls to eat the eggs though.

There was lots of cuddling of the twins too. I can’t wait until they are old enough to do crafts too. They are getting so big it’s crazy. They should be talking in no time, we practiced “auntie” a lot this weekend.

Daniel and I plan on trying to make a few more visits to see them all before August. We’ll see how well I can do in the car as I get more and more pregnant.

Overall, it was great birthday.

Is there another topic?

Daniel and I were talking about our blog the other day. We're looking at buying a domain and making a whole website. Then we got to talking about whether or not we want to each have our own blog or have one together. Daniel thinks it's funnier to have one together, him with Theology posts and me with posts about Imogen. He asked if I was going to become "one of those mommy bloggers". that comment made me laugh.

I was talking with my friend Patti about 2wks after we found i was having a baby and saying to her that I suddenly have no other topic of conversation except the baby. And that has not changed. I don't know what else to talk about. My life has been engulfed by the fact that we are having a baby. Every few days I think of something to blog about, non baby related, and it ends up being about Imogen. I have not posted a few blogs just because I was trying to not to blog about her. But alas, I have failed. I just have no other topic of conversation. Everything I think about these days always comes back to Imogen.

Oh and I have a request of you all: Please pray for Daniel and I. We need sleep. I seem to be suffereing from "pregnancy insomnia" also known as "nature's cruel trick". Personally I would like to be sleeping as much as possible now since sleep will be a thing of the past come September. Anyhow, it's really effecting both of us. My lack of sleep ends up keeping Daniel up cause I'm tossing and turning. Usually by 3am I head for the couch so I stop waking him up. I don't do well with little sleep, I kind of turn into a toddler who skipped their nap; I cry and throw fits for no real reason. And poor Daniel is working and in graduate school, he really needs good sleep to be able to focus.

All that to say, please pray that we get some deep solid sleep.