This Easter season I have been having trouble "feeling" the impact of why we celebrate. I missed our good Friday service because I felt so sick. For the last week I have been praying that the Lord would help me experience the reality of His death and resurrection. So this morning I was sitting in church and the band was rocking out. I was feeling very sick, but drug myself there anyways. I couldn't really sing...for fear of throwing up right there in the sanctuary. To my left there was a group of young girls dancing to the worship music. As the band continued playing I began to cry.
Now that's not saying much....
I'm a crier. it's true, I am. Now I know what your thinking; you're pregnant Regina, it's hormones. That would be a nice excuse, but it wouldn't account for the 30 years before I was pregnant.
I'm just a very sensitive person. My parents have told me many times that all they had to do to punish me when I was a little girl was look at me. That's all it took, I would melt down crying. I'm the kind that will "cry over spilled milk". My clients always joke about how I have a hard exterior but I'm really just a big softy.
As I became a teenager and young adult it started to drive me crazy. I hated how easy I would cry. One thing that really drove me nuts about my crying, was that I couldn't hardly pray without crying. It got to the point where I just stopped wanting to pray in public.
One day a few years ago I was praying asking the Lord to help me pray without crying. He answered my request with this:
"Regina, why wouldn't you cry when you're in my presence"
WOW. that's all I needed to hear. I began seeing my tears not as a weakness, but as a gift given to me to remind me that the Lord is with me.
Since I've been pregnant, I have been a bit extra weepy. I haven't once thought about what the Lord me those years ago.
As I sat in church this morning watching everyone worship, dance and praise the Lord, I was feeling like I was missing out on the celebration. As the ears began to roll down my face, He reminded of what he told me, but this in a way that would help me experience the celebration:
"Regina, I'm no longer dead, I have risen. You are in my presence."
I began to cry a little harder and thanked the Lord for allowing me to "feel" the reality of why I serve the Lord.