new website

Daniel and I have bought a domain and started a website. We are transfering all our blogging to here:

Innocent Light

See you there.

Yeah, it's totally gross.....

I was hanging out at a friends house yesturday letting Basho play with their dog. They have 6 boys ranging from 2 - 11. #4 and I had quite the conversation.

So I walked out to the backyard where the dogs & boys were playing. 6 yr old Sean ran straight up to my belly and put both hands on it.

He lightly squeezed from both sides a few times......

Sean: "So there's really a baby in there"

Me: "Yeah. there's a little girl in there"

Sean: "huh" he then proceeds to squeeze a few more times as he examines my belly

Sean: "So.... How's it get'n out?"

Now I'm stuck in a conversation I really don't want to be in with a 6yr old. By now his 8yr old brother Max has joined the conversation as well. I flashed to the story I heard of when his 3 older brothers asked their mom the same question. So I repeated her answer.

Me: "Well, you know how you have a hole you poop from and a hole you pee from. Well, girls have a 3rd hole where the baby cames out."

Sean: ponders this new information for a moment. "Three holes huh?!?!"

older brother Max: "Yeah, it's totally gross"

Then they both ran off to play. Lets just hope he doesn't tell his friends at school about his anatomy lesson.

Oh another note, a few weeks ago when their 3yr old brother found out I had a baby in my belly his question was simple "Why? Did you eat it?!?"

I can't wait to hear the funny stuff Imogen comes up with.

Wiggle

My whole life I have heard women talk about what it is like to feel a baby moving inside you. Always described as the most amazing feeling. Well I’ve got to say, they are right, it is amazing. I’ve given Imogen the nickname wiggle because that’s what she does all day and night….wiggle. She’s moving all the time now, and yet still every time I feel her, I want to stop what I’m doing and enjoy every movement…every wiggle. Each movement is more exciting than the last.

But I’m running into a problem. I love feeling her move so much, that it distracts me from conversations I’m having. Last week I was meeting with a client that was having suicidal thoughts; I was assessing him for ideation and intent and while he was talking, Imogen starting wiggling. I’ll admit, I checked out of my conversation for a moment to enjoy my daughter’s wiggles. As I realized what I was doing, I quickly had to bring myself back to what was more important in that moment; this man’s mental & physical wellbeing. Although no one in the room knew, I felt bad.

Now that was an extreme example, but it is an everyday occurrence. It happens everywhere, when I’m talking to friend, sitting in church, sitting in a meeting; I check out when Imogen starts moving. No offense, her moving is just much more exciting than anything else I can think of on the planet. I’m an adventurous person and if you asked me if I wanted to skydive (which I love), or feel Imogen move a bunch, I’d probably opt for feeling my little moving and wiggling inside me.

I know here in a few weeks she will get big enough to lodge her feet in between my ribs or kick my spine, but until then, I’ll just keep enjoying my little wiggle.

Finals week - a bit of reflection

Well, I'm almost done with finals after my first semester of graduate school. Thankfully, I have not gotten that trademark finals head cold that has been my friend in the past. Last night, I was so blessed by a friend. Knowing that I have been holed up writing papers and taking tests, he came by with a 12 pack of Diet Coke, a nacho making kit, and candy. It made my day. I was really blessed by it. Now, if I could get rid of the tummy ache from combining nachos and Swedish fish in the middle of the night I'd be golden.

I've been trying to look back on my semester and see where I have grown. I am thankful to report that my money seems to have been well spent. I have learned so much about myself and my vocation that I can scarcely begin to elaborate. I think I will still be unpackaging what I've learned this semester years from now.

I would like to put out a general apology to the universe for one thing I have learned. I am a horrible listener. I flat out suck at conversations. I hope that you out there in the cosmos accept my apology and trust that I am working on changing there. A few weeks ago I journaled this about being a horrible conversationalist:

I have known for sometime that I have much to learn about conversations. My personal assessmentbrought out character defects that manifest themselves in conversation. Several of Dr. Redman's do's and don'ts hit home for me. Even though I try really hard not to, I often appear to be talking down to people. or to present myself as superior, or to be a know it all. I get excited and want to converse about everything and anything with anyone. I can be a bit overwhelming in that. I pick at things to understand them. People don't like being picked at; don't like having their logic questioned. It takes people time to get to know me, to understand that I see the world through questions, and that I show I care through conversation and question (among other things).

I interrupt too much, think about what I'm going to say before the other person finishes, and assume I know what someone else is going to say. I understand that I am weak in all these areas and am working on them.

I am trying to envision conversation like a dance. I must be in tune with my partner, moving with them as opposed to against them, with a common direction in mind. If I move too quickly, or too slowly, I will step on toes, fall out of rhythm, and lose sight of the beauty and purpose of the dance.

...or, to put it in terms of comic books, only villains monologue, and it's almost always their downfall.

“Though we cannot think alike, may we not love alike? May we not be of one heart, though we are not of one opinion? Without all doubt, we may. Herein all the children of God may unite, notwithstanding these smaller differences.” - John Wesley

Why wouldn't I cry

This Easter season I have been having trouble "feeling" the impact of why we celebrate. I missed our good Friday service because I felt so sick. For the last week I have been praying that the Lord would help me experience the reality of His death and resurrection. So this morning I was sitting in church and the band was rocking out. I was feeling very sick, but drug myself there anyways. I couldn't really sing...for fear of throwing up right there in the sanctuary. To my left there was a group of young girls dancing to the worship music. As the band continued playing I began to cry.

Now that's not saying much....

I'm a crier. it's true, I am. Now I know what your thinking; you're pregnant Regina, it's hormones. That would be a nice excuse, but it wouldn't account for the 30 years before I was pregnant.

I'm just a very sensitive person. My parents have told me many times that all they had to do to punish me when I was a little girl was look at me. That's all it took, I would melt down crying. I'm the kind that will "cry over spilled milk". My clients always joke about how I have a hard exterior but I'm really just a big softy.

As I became a teenager and young adult it started to drive me crazy. I hated how easy I would cry. One thing that really drove me nuts about my crying, was that I couldn't hardly pray without crying. It got to the point where I just stopped wanting to pray in public.

One day a few years ago I was praying asking the Lord to help me pray without crying. He answered my request with this:

"Regina, why wouldn't you cry when you're in my presence"

WOW. that's all I needed to hear. I began seeing my tears not as a weakness, but as a gift given to me to remind me that the Lord is with me.

Since I've been pregnant, I have been a bit extra weepy. I haven't once thought about what the Lord me those years ago.

As I sat in church this morning watching everyone worship, dance and praise the Lord, I was feeling like I was missing out on the celebration. As the ears began to roll down my face, He reminded of what he told me, but this in a way that would help me experience the celebration:

"Regina, I'm no longer dead, I have risen. You are in my presence."

I began to cry a little harder and thanked the Lord for allowing me to "feel" the reality of why I serve the Lord.

Operation Happily Ever After

In Genesis after the fall of Adam and Eve, God was handing out curses to them as a result of their sin. He looked at Eve and said:

"I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children" Genesis 3:16

I gotta say, God nailed this curse. Bravo, good one God.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant today. I still feel like I'm early in pregnancy, and yet I didn't realize how uncomfortable I would be at 21 weeks. With that in mind, it's a bit overwhelming to think that I still have 4 1/2 months to go. If sleep is this tough now, what will it be like next month, in 2 months...3.....yikes!! and the pain in my lower back!?!?!? I don't even want to think about that.

As uncomforable as I am, I'm having trouble having a good attitude. Everytime someone asks me how I'm feeling I want to describe it with obsenities, instead I just say "it blows". Today I'm been trying to change "it blows" to "she's growing" or something along those lines, you know that don't actually show my feelings at all.

I think the biggest issue with my, lets be real...constant complaining, is the way it's effecting Daniel. He's so wonderful, he doesn't say anything negative to me, but I can see in his face that he's running out of positive things to say to me.

He and I were talking last night and was saying that I really need anattitude change. I can think about Imogen and I get so excited, I feel her wiggle in my belly and I want to drop what I'm ding and just enjoy the moment. Then with everything else I have nothing positive to say or think.
I have tried to justify it in my mind "all these things have to happen to ensure that our little girl is safe and healthy" but that's really not helping.

When daniel and I were engaged we became very said at how negative people were to use about marriage. Few people built it up to us, we vowed to always encourge engaged couples with the joys of marriage. I've been thinking about that same concept in relation to pregnancy. What is the good I can focus on? I have a friend who is early on in her pregnancy, how can I have a positive attitude and outlook so as to encourage her rather give her a bad taste before she really gets going.

Now when it comes down to it, this is afterall a curse from God and I've heard enough fairtales to know that curses are not meant to be pleasant. But with every single fairytale I've ever heard, the curse eventually lifts and they live happily ever after.

Honored by many

I went to a memorial service yesterday. I'm not going to pretend it was a big loss for me, it really wasn't, but I strongly felt that I should attend the service. Doris lived a long life, she would have been 91 in June. She was married to her husband Bob for 58yrs.

Bob and Doris attended (bob still attends) a church I attended from '97 - ~'03. Doris and I were in a woman's group together for a short time. One of the unique things about Doris wasn't the fact that she had been blind from birth, but that that didn't stop her from living life. She traveled, she was an accomplished singer and choir director. She loved to read and had the ability to memorize things like none other.

Years ago she was asked by a pastor if she ever asked the Lord to heal her blindness and allow her to see. Her answer was "I never really thought to ask". That was Doris, she didn't see her lack of ability to see as a deficit in life, it was just her life. She was in 100% acceptance of who God created her to be.

So why was it that when I heard of her passing I felt so strongly that I should attend her service. I haven't talked to her since I began attending a different church. I thinks it's all in my first thought after hearing. A woman who lived a life like Doris did; a lifetime of dedication to the Lord and 58yrs of faithful service to her husband; deserved to be honored my many.

As I sat at her service I couldn't help but think about my life (memorial/funeral services are great for that). Doris lived a simple life, she never did anything the world would see as extraordinary, and yet I'm in awe at her life. I've traveled the world and done things some people would only dream of. My life story has even been published. And yet as I think about my life there are really only three things I would like to be remembered for: 1. My love and dedication to the Lord, 2. My love and dedication to my husband, and 3. My love and dedication to my daughter.

I don't care what else anyone remembers. And I hope one day, as a result of those three things, people see it fit that my love and dedication deserves to be honored, just as Doris' was honored.

I can only imagine

There is a song by the group Mercy Me called "I can only imagine". It starts:

I can only imagine

What it will be like

When I walk

By your side

I can only imagine

What my eyes will see

When your face

Is before me

I can only imagine...

With a baby on the I can't help but imagine what she will look like, what it will be like to walk down the street holding my little girl's hand. Now technically the above song lyrics are about meeting Jesus. As the song goes on that becomes evident. But every time I hear the start of the song, I think of Imogen and start to cry.

My mind begins to wander as I day dream about my little girl. What will she be like? Smart like her daddy? Thick headed like her mommy? Musical or Artistic? What will she want to be when she grows up? Will she be a demorcrat or a rebublican?

As I pray for her, I find myself praying for me more. Praying that I don't allow myself to create expectations of who she will be. That I allow her the freedom to figure out who she is and what she wants in life.

But now, as we still have 20weeks before we get to meet her face to face......I can only imagine.

An Auntie couldn’t ask for a better 31st birthday

Daniel’s cousin Angela and I went up to visit our 5 nieces and nephews this last weekend. It took us about 8 hrs to get there and it was worth every minute of the drive. The girls were still awake when we got there and they practically jumped me when I walked in the door. Madeline said “you came!!! And you brought baby Imogen!!!”

For the whole weekend Imogen was a hot topic of conversation. The girls continually told me how much they can’t wait for her to get here and how they will teach her to play princess’. Little Naomi (4) seemed to be the most excited. She asked me if they could Skype with Imogen “so they can play”. It just warmed my heart to see how excited the girls are for their cousin to arrive.

We had a fun filled 2 ½ days. Friday was my 31st birthday so we made a birthday cake and the girls decorated it for me. They used every kind of sprinkle they could find in the house, and they put 5 candles on the top to “make a tiara”. They put up some home made decorations and made me some cards. The only thing missing from my party was my wonderful Husband (who had to stay home to study).

Every time we visit I bring a craft of some sort to do with the girls, I also bring my “box ‘o stickers” aka stickers fro the target $1 bin. This trips craft was Easter egg decorating. So we boiled a bunch of eggs, dissolved the little colored tablets in water and decorated away. I’m pretty sure the girls fingers had more dye on them by the end than the eggs. But we sure had fun. 3 Easter egg hunts followed, we couldn’t convince the girls to eat the eggs though.

There was lots of cuddling of the twins too. I can’t wait until they are old enough to do crafts too. They are getting so big it’s crazy. They should be talking in no time, we practiced “auntie” a lot this weekend.

Daniel and I plan on trying to make a few more visits to see them all before August. We’ll see how well I can do in the car as I get more and more pregnant.

Overall, it was great birthday.

Is there another topic?

Daniel and I were talking about our blog the other day. We're looking at buying a domain and making a whole website. Then we got to talking about whether or not we want to each have our own blog or have one together. Daniel thinks it's funnier to have one together, him with Theology posts and me with posts about Imogen. He asked if I was going to become "one of those mommy bloggers". that comment made me laugh.

I was talking with my friend Patti about 2wks after we found i was having a baby and saying to her that I suddenly have no other topic of conversation except the baby. And that has not changed. I don't know what else to talk about. My life has been engulfed by the fact that we are having a baby. Every few days I think of something to blog about, non baby related, and it ends up being about Imogen. I have not posted a few blogs just because I was trying to not to blog about her. But alas, I have failed. I just have no other topic of conversation. Everything I think about these days always comes back to Imogen.

Oh and I have a request of you all: Please pray for Daniel and I. We need sleep. I seem to be suffereing from "pregnancy insomnia" also known as "nature's cruel trick". Personally I would like to be sleeping as much as possible now since sleep will be a thing of the past come September. Anyhow, it's really effecting both of us. My lack of sleep ends up keeping Daniel up cause I'm tossing and turning. Usually by 3am I head for the couch so I stop waking him up. I don't do well with little sleep, I kind of turn into a toddler who skipped their nap; I cry and throw fits for no real reason. And poor Daniel is working and in graduate school, he really needs good sleep to be able to focus.

All that to say, please pray that we get some deep solid sleep.

Could parenthood be better than this?

For many years the idea of having my own kids was not an idea I was willing to entertain. I did however want to be an auntie. That seemed like the best deal of them all. As an Auntie I could get al the great parts of kids and leave discipline and meltdowns to their parents. Win Win right?

When I met Daniel he already had 2 nieces, Madeline and Julia. I still remember the day I met them, it was at Disneyland. Madeline the goofy outgoing one, wasn’t to sure of what to think about me, and Julia the mousey, shy one, took to me right away. Though I wasn’t yet their Auntie I loved getting to know these little girls, knowing that they just may become my nieces one day too.

It was very soon after that I moved to El Salvador. While I was in El Salvador my Aunthood exploded. My cousin Kim got pregnant, my brothers wife got pregnant and Daniel’s sister gave birth to another little girl. I still remember the day that my brother called me in El Salvador to tell me. “Hello Aunite” he says. “hey bro” (I thought he was referring to me being an auntie for Kim’s baby). He says it again “HELLO AUNTIE” this time with a little force. “wait WHAT!!!” I started screaming. Once I figure out what he was telling me I was beyond excited!! I went running though the Teen Challenge center where I worked yelling “voy estar una tia” seeing as I worked with all men, they humored me and listened to me talk about how excited I was.

When I came home for a 3wk furlough, Daniel and I took the drive to go meet Naomi. His then 1 month old niece. Daniel and I weren’t engaged yet, but I was still excited to meet another little girl that soon be my niece. We hung out and played with the girls for a few days and I fell more in love with all of them.

In November 2006 not long after returning from El Salvador for good, my first nephew was born, Tristin. I still remember the day he was born. It was Thanksgiving day. He was so tiny, I held him and we made faces at one another. I few weeks later I became his very first babysitter, while his mom (my cousin Kim) ran to the bank. She called me twice to check on him, but I didn’t mind, as long as we got to cuddle on the couch.

6 months later my bother became a dad when my niece Penny was born. Still to this day her birth has been the most emotional for me, probably because it was my brother’s daughter. There was a lot going on that day and I only had about 5 mins with Penny, I cried the whole time I held her. I’m not sure I’d loved another human that much in my life.

By the time Daniel and I got married, we had 4 nieces and 1 nephew. For the next couple years that was it, we loved and played with those 5. I think the best part of my day was anytime I heard the word Auntie. In 2009 we get a text message from Daniel’s sister “we’re having twins!!” Two more little nephews to add to our collection. Toby & Trevor were born in March 2010. They were 2 wks old when we made the drive to meet them. They were still in the hospital, we visited them twice a day for 3 days. After that we made a few changes to our schedule so we could see the 3 girls and 2 boys once a month. We put a lot of miles on the car, but it was worth it hear “Aunt Regina, come play stickers with me”.

Then it happened again, just one month after Daniel and I found out I was pregnant, my brother’s wife Tiffany gave birth to their son Duncan. He was 1 day old when Penny “took me” to meet her brother. He’s still so tiny and squeaky. Watching Penny’s love for her baby brother warms my heart.

I can’t wait to hear “Auntie” come out of Duncan, Toby and Trevor. Not long after Penny was born I was thinking about my deep love for my nieces and nephews, totaling 8 now. Why do I love them so much. I realized that seeing as I never saw myself having kids of my own, being an Aunt was in my mind the closest I was going to get to parenthood. So I took all my love and poured it into being an Aunt.

But what ended up happening is those kids sideswiped me with awesomeness. I fell so in love with being an Aunt, I started to want kids of my own. Being an Aunt turned out to be better than I even imagined. And now that Daniel and I are adding our own little person to niece/nephew herd, I can’t help but think if it is even possible to love Imogen more than I love my nieces & nephews. I have talked to enough people to know that we will have a deeper love for her, but how is that possible!! I look forward to parenthood even if I have to have the meltdowns and the discipline and Imogen’s aunties and uncles get all the fun.

My sister Kelly And I holding Penny the day after she was born

Me and Tristin, the day he was born

Julia, Naomi, Madeline

We have been given the Logos

Coming from a background in philosophy, it would be an understatement to say that I think critical thought and reason play a very important part in our faith. Epistemology, or what we may know and how we come to that knowledge is very important to me. I believe it is no small coincidence that the evangelist of John begins his account with “In the beginning was the Logos.” The book of Romans declares that the Lord can be known through observation of the world. It is also no coincidence that our primary means of understanding the Lord comes through orderly written accounts full of form, structure, and reason. The Lord is a God of reason and order. Thus, it is logical that we come to an understanding of God through orderly and rational means.

Be that as it may, void of God's presence, pure reason fails. There is a lifetime of knowledge at our disposal, and insufficient time to comprehend it. Rational people are confronted with numerous reasonably held, yet incompatible truth claims. Simply put, hyper rationalism, or modernism driven to its natural conclusion, is overwhelming. This leads well meaning, rational people to choose one truth claim among many reasonable options, in essence resulting in postmodernism.

Postmodern thought is an ever increasing reality in our society, even amongst the conservatively rational western church. Theists and non theists both have reasonable arguments for their position.* A rational follower of Christ may make a reasonable, well defended claim for either a secure or an ‘abiding’ salvation. Likewise for free will, predestination, or various combinations of the two. There are numerous truth claims that may be reasonably held, even though our belief system holds that there is one truth.

Overwhelmed by the cacophony of truth claims, the average person of faith puts their trust in one claim that seems reasonable, and timidly holds it. We have the faculties to understand God to an extent, but regardless of what we may know, ‘His ways are above our ways.’ Put another way, the absolute truth we believe in is beyond us. We must accept that, fundamentally, the Lord is as much a mystery as He is comprehensible. Fueled by postmodernism, this has generated a movement within faith I call neo-mysticism. Where reason fails, mystery abounds.

The result, for the Church, is a body that rests increasingly on feeling and preference over reason. The church is at least partially responsible for this shift. Well meaning theologians, in fear of relativistic theology, proclaim their viewpoints more vociferously, drastically narrowing their definition of orthodox doctrine. The body of Christ is left confused and alienated by the resulting battles. It is not that the body of Christ lacks an evangelical mind. Rather, the body has been driven by fear to avoid using it. Instead, blind faith is put in the Holy Spirit for guidance. I say blind, not as an insult, but rather as a course navigated by spiritual compass, but no map.

We need a more balanced approach. What God has revealed of Himself has been overwhelmingly logical. Still, we must leave room for the mysterious workings of the Spirit. We must accept postmodernism, in a sense. Science and reason can only go so far in understanding God. By definition, God is beyond any quantifiable measure or logical principle. Any right belief in the Lord of heaven must account for that.

They that worship shall do so ‘in Spirit and truth.’ Any personal revelation provided by the Spirit must be interpreted in light of truth, of what may be rationally known. These truths should include the precedence of tradition as a guide marker, without elevating tradition to equality with truth. Tradition is the map to our spiritual compass. While our spiritual parents may have wandered off course at times, their journey informs ours.

'What we see is a dim image in a mirror.' We should accept that our spiritual vision is clouded by the very nature of our humanity. As such, we should be humble in any claims of absolute truth. Rather, we should understand that there are tiers of belief. First tier beliefs like the deity of Christ and His atoning sacrifice are non negotiable. Baptism by immersion or sprinkling is.

We must recognize that we have been given the Logos so that we may know of the Lord, and His goodness. We must always approach that Logos with the humility of His inherent wonder and mystery. We must recognize that the course we navigate was plotted and followed by millennia of sojourners before us.

* I am an ardent apologist. I hold that the rational, reasonable belief is that the God of the Bible is the absolute truth. I am not a relativist in an absolute sense. I speak of reasonable arguments for competing doctrines and non theistic paradigms to develop the point that the byproduct of hyper rationalism is nonsensical, and thereby absurd. Please do not misconstrue my statements to mean that I am not a defender of absolute truth.

Is a dog ever just a dog?

The last two days I have been participating in class called Awaken with my church. There was about 40 of us going through our lives looking at how out past hurts have shaped us to who we are today. I've been through this process before and have always been able to see how different difficult situations in my life have molded me. Last night as I began looking at my "life map" I began focusing on one particular painful experience. The death of my dog Argos.

Argos passed away in Nov 2006 from Leukemia, I was 26. Her death was one of the hardests losses I've ever experienced. She was so much more than just a dog to me. I got her when I was 17 yrs old, her and I were inseprable, we were partners, she went most everywhere with me. For a long time she was the only living being I trusted.

The day put her down we were sitting in the exam room at the Vet with the dr who gave her to me. He and my parents talked about how much I needed her for those 9 yrs of my life. I needed her far more than she needed me.

I talked it out with a friend of mine today, trying to figure out how Argos' death molded my life. We came to the realization that her death was a significant shift in my life. At the time of her death, I handed my trust from her and me agianst the world to trusting Daniel as my partner. He and I were engaged just weeks after her death.

Thinking about Argos got me to thinking about Basho. It took 3 yrs for me to get to a place where I was ready for another dog. I love Basho, he's the perfect family dog. I look forward to seeing Imogen grow up playing with her puppy Basho. He's become a great addition to our family. He's a great little backpacking buddy, and we've enjoyed taking him on family vacations.

But as I got to thinking about him today I realized that my relationship with Basho is very different than my relationship with Argos was. It's like, he's just a dog. Argos was my partner, Basho is our family dog. I love him, but he's different. I got to thinking about Imogen. Reality is, he will probably mean a lot more to her than he does to us. Basho will be Imogen's big brother, her best friend. Chances are Basho will help her learn to walk, he'll sit there and listen to her while she reads him books, they'll probably fight over toys and even take naps together.

Basho and Argos are nothing a like (except in color). They both will have served very different purposes in my life, special in their own way. No two memories of them will be the same. I hope we are blessed to have Basho for many years to come. I can't wait to see the relationship between Imogen and Basho unfold.

Growing a human is hard work

I’m going to get really honest for a moment……

I’m not enjoying being pregnant. The “side effects” are not fun; vomiting, nausea, nose bleeds, heart burn, insomnia….that’s just to name a few (believe me, you don’t want to hear everything). Thanks to the internet, I am reading everything I find about pregnancy, birth and having an infant. I’ve come across many blogs of woman who talk about how much they love being pregnant. I can’t help but wonder if they experience all these things or not? And if they do what’s their secret to not being bothered by them. Generally I’m a pretty positive person, so I’ve been a little surprised at how much I have disliked this whole process so far.

The Imogen part I like though. I wish I could get ultrasounds whenever I want. I get very excited to see her. Only 3 weeks until the next one. I can hardly wait until I feel her moving inside me. I swear I may have felt her last night, Daniel thinks it was in my head. I'm so excited to meet her. There are days when August seems so far away, it will never get here and other days I feel like if I blink she will be here already.

Even though I’ve hated all the things that are happening to me, it’s truly amazing at the same time. The fact my body has shifted into survival mode for me, giving me what I need to survive and has shifted to focusing everything else on ensuring Imogen is safe, healthy and growing. Most of the nutrients my body take in…she gets (no wonder my skin is so dry). I read one article that said the work my body is putting into growing a human everyday is equivalent to that of a person running a marathon (no wonder I’m so exhausted all the time).

I suppose pregnancy is just the beginning of the sacrifices a mother has to make for her children. This whole 9 mos, I’m not living for me, I’m living for her. I have to put aside any fun I want to have, for her safety (I guess I won’t be skydiving this year). Everything I eat, I have to eat with her in mind (I really miss sushi). Everyday tasks I have to ask myself if it’s safe for Imogen (thanks to me friends who came and moved furniture around for me).

All that to say, as truly miserable I have been, it’s all pretty amazing as well. And before I sign off, my husband deserves a HUGE shout out for putting up with me :-) Thank you Love, you're the best.

Pink or Blue

One thing I have hated ever since we found out I am pregnant, is not knowing whether it's a boy or a girl. I have hated calling our child "it" or "the baby". We picked a girl name out a long time ago, long before we conceived (we road trip a lot so started figuring out baby names on one of our long drives down from the bay area).

We have been discussing boy names but couldn't agree on anything. We agreed to stop talking about it until we found out what the sex was.

Yesterday I found out that our Dr's office will do an ultrasound starting at 15wks to let you know the gender (if you don't want to wait until the scheduled 20wk one). We just have to pay $40, since the insurance company won't cover it before 20wks.

So OF COURSE I was going to pay....patience has never been my strong point :-)

So they squeezed us in this morning. I laid on the table, the tech squeezed the goo on my growing belly and we got another glimpse of our little one. 10 little fingers and 10 little toes, the baby turned it's head and gave is a smile. Then the tech headed down towards the rump for the money shot. With it's legs spread for us to see, there it............wasn't!!! A little Girl!!!! I burst out "baby Imogen". I looked at Daniel "Are you ready for tea parties?" he smiled wide "absolutely!!!". The tech took a quick pic of our little girls's girly parts and we were done. 5 mins after walking in, we were walking out, knowing who was in my belly, our little girl Imogen Aurora.

We're even more excited now, my cheeks are starting to hurt from all the smiling (just like the day we got engaged). Now we just have to wait another 24wks to meet her, darn that patience!!!

Never the same again

Since January 11 our lives have gotten turned upside down and will never be the same.

It was January 11, 2011 that Daniel started seminary. It is like a dream come true for him. Since then he has had his head in books and is up late writing papers. I gotta say, from the time we were dating and Daniel was working on his bachelors degree to now with his graduate degree, I really truly love when Daniel is in school. I love who he is when he’s learning. He reads things to me that strike him as insightful, we discuss (maybe argue) over different things he’s learning or has read. Studying has never been my strong point, but I love learning trough Daniel’s learning experiences. He teaches me so much. I know there will be some tough times ahead of us while he’s in Seminary, but I’m still excited for the process.

But that’s not really why our lives got turned upside down. It was 12hrs before his first class, at 6am that morning that our lives changed forever.

That’s when the extra little blue line showed up on the pregnancy test. I stared at the test in disbelief “oh shit” that’s all that came out of my mouth, as the cat stood there staring at me. I laid the test on the bathroom counter and stepped into the shower. I needed a moment to process this before waking Daniel up with this life altering news.

After taking my moment, I went into the bedroom to wake up my not so morning person husband.

“Babe, you know that room for God that we have left…..he took it…….I’m pregnant”

Daniel stared at me and I at him. I’m sure his head swirling with all the things mine was; like: we put in notice to our jobs, we’re moving to Portland, Daniel starts his graduate degree today……

“Babe, say something” I couldn’t stand him staring at me any longer without something. Daniel has a tendency to be more thought out with his words than I do, so he looks at me and says:

“Children are a blessing from God”

See that’s why I married him, I say “oh shit”, he thanks the Lord.

He sat up in bed and talked for a while, I wish we had that conversation on video, we were in such shock, lord knows what we rambled about. Daniel jumped in the shower and I called my sister. She’s a bit more like me “you guys are so dumb”. She knew we’d been a bit careless.

Over the following days, the reality sank in a little more. We told our family and some close friends. It’s been 2 months now since we found out. Sometimes it still feels surreal. It’s no secret anymore so people are always asking how I’m feeling and freely telling me their birthing horror stories (thanks for those by the way). Excitement is setting in more and more and the puking is becoming less and less.

We’re still planning on moving to Portland, we’re just going to wait until the baby born. This move will be far different than we originally thought it be.

I’m pretty sure January 11, 2011 will be forever etched into our minds.